Superior for a Day
by AcerbusEquinomin56
Summary: In order to raise funds for their charity, the Organization decides to raffle off a chance for sitting in the "big" seat for one day! ...But...this bends the very fabric of their world... - CRACK fic! Pairings galore!


The sun was shining brightly almost everywhere, it seemed. Its cheerful reach spanned far into the horizon and higher than the sky, but for some reason it was slightly blocked off from one particular location. A large castle loomed in the distance, as did the sounds it emitted.

A person with long white-"HEY!" the person yelled, "IT'S SILVER! "…okay, a person with long silver hair stood atop a large platform complete with podium speaking loudly to twelve or so others below him. He had to have been speaking loudly due to the megaphone he was holding ever so tightly.

"ORGANIZATION MEMBERS! YOU HAVE BEEN CALLED HERE TODAY TO LEARN OF A GRAVE MATTE-" One of the members interrupted, "Superior! Could you put that thing down? You're deafening us!" The Superior was apparently unfazed and continued. "A GRAVE MATTER! ONE OF OUR PRESENT OPERATIONS IS RUNNING LOW ON FUNDS AND WE NEED TO FIND A WAY TO GATHER MONEY FOR ITS PURPOSES."

A short, blue haired member asked quietly, "Which operation would this happen to be?" The Superior turned his megaphone to the questioning and promptly blasted them with an answer similar to that of a television commercial. "HEARTS FOR HUMANITY, WHERE WE GIVE HEARTS TO THE POOR NOBODIES THAT DON'T HAVE THEM!"

The short, blue haired, now partially deaf, questionnaire nodded absentmindedly. A brunette sitting beside him patted him on the head. The Superior once again lifted the megaphone, "SO, DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEAS? ANYONE? IDE-" But before he could finish his sentence, the megaphone burst into flames.

A spiky red haired member lowered his hands after the ashes dropped to the ground. The Superior looked down sadly as his lip trembled. "…I got that on sale…" He bit his lower lip before gesturing to another member to come to the stage. Another blue haired member complied and marched up onto the stage and finished the speech as the unstable, bordering on tears, Superior sat down.

"So? Does anyone have any ideas? …THERE HAD BETTER BE SOME IDEAS! I WANT TO HEAR IDEAS NOW!" A shorter member raised a hand, "How about a raffle?" The speaking blinked and nodded. "Okay, what are we raffling off?" A sarcastic reply was heard from the back from the arsonist in question, "How about being Superior for a day?"

At that exact moment everyone jumped up in agreement and the person at the podium was quickly carried off into the confusion of concurrence as well. The only person that did not look happy was the silver haired first speaker. He was still slightly dazed from the burnt crumbling pieces of the megaphone and was now officially paranoid due to this idea for mutiny. He was not going to be very healthy the next few days…

###

The second speaker nailed a large poster to the "official" castle bulletin board and walked proudly off. Half of the members watched him slowly walk away before crowding around to see what the bulletin said. The contents were clear.

"Come all members young or old, tall or short, and take a chance on winning a raffle to become Superior for a day! It is 5 dollars per every chance, so crack open those heartless banks and get ready for a fun time!"

The red headed one interjected, "Why does it sound like an old lady wrote this?" He scanned down and noticed a "Made by Vexen" sticker and finished his statement with, "Oooooh…" There was little else on the sheet except something about age restrictions applying.

###

The next few days in the castle were ones of pandemonium. There was the sound of cracking, of gunshots, even of the strange sound of chickens…actually…no, ignore that last one. But, still, the first two were pretty frequent.

A few of the members talked over their lunch in the Castle Cafeteria. "So Zexion, did you find any money?" A tall blond member topped with a mohawk addressed the short, blue haired, still partially deaf member. "Who are you calling honey, Demyx?" Demyx widened his eyes in shock. "No! Zexy! That's not what I said!" Zexion got angrier. "I do NOT look hot in red!" Demyx grabbed his temples. "NO! I ASKED IF YOU EVER FOUND THAT BUCK!" Zexion went bright red. "WHAT?" The next series of words exchanged between the two were a few days later.

Across the lunch room, the red head and a smaller blond were eating with a few others. The red head instigated a conversation. "So, Roxas, if you had the day as Superior, what would you do?" The smaller blonde looked thoughtful for a moment as he drank his miniature carton of milk. "I would declare world peace." Everyone burst out laughing as the red head added, "Yeah! You can be like a beauty queen or something! Miss Nobody!"

The conversation went on as Roxas promptly got up and went over to the table where the now alone, red hand mark on the face, Demyx sat sadly. The two began talking as Demyx was seen rubbing his face. Axel asked again, "So, what about you Marluxia?" The pink plumed person sipped _his_ milk and thought.

"Well Axel, I would throw a Sexy Party!" He quickly got out a Sea Captain's hat and placed it on his rose colored tufts of hair. He then began dancing around laughing spontaneously as everyone expected him to while strangely, a large amount of scantily clad members dressed as bunnies also began running around behind him. They all disappeared after a moment when he sat back down. Axel cocked his head to the side, "Can you do that again?" Marluxia got out the hat.

###

The Superior looked around suspiciously as he slowly filled slips of paper out in his chamber. He called it a chamber even though it really looked like an office. Anything that has a stapler in it is technically an office. (All fangirls are advised to get rid of the images in their heads)

He steadily labeled the slips as he counted the money laid before him. The problem was that he ended up with about five more slips per every five dollars than needed. What could he be planning? He looked up at the word bubbles appearing above his head and screamed, "AH! THERE'S SOMEONE WATCHING ME! SAIX! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY!" He then started trying to smack at the bubbles like a kindergarten girl does with butterflies.

The dark blue haired person who also gave the speech came bounding in to save the day only to notice that his paranoid leader was pawing at air. He saw nothing. "Um…with all due respect Superior…I don't see anything attacking you…" The silve-…you know what? I'm getting sick of calling him the "silver haired superior," his name is Xemnas! I will use his name!

Xemnas looked up to also notice nothing above him. He sighed hysterically. "Oh…it was just my imagination playing tricks on me aga—OH MA GOD! SAIX! WHY DO YOU HAVE A MUSTACHE?" Saix felt his upper lip quickly and to his relief found no form of facial hair. He looked at his still high-strung leader pointing at him with wide (rest deprived) eyes and decided that something needed to be done. He walked over to his Superior, picked him up bridal style and carried him over to the couch in the room.

"You need sleep." He sat him down and pulled a quilt out of the closet conveniently located next to the couch. He laid the cover over his Superior with one sweeping flourish. Xemnas looked up at Saix with a blush like that of a sick child. "Can I have some hot cocoa mama?" Saix blinked and ran off to find some hot chocolate.

He returned with the warm drink only to find that Xemnas had drifted off to sleep. He smiled and then bent down kissing him on the forehead before slowly exiting the room and closing the door, whispering, "Sweet dreams…"

He turned around once outside the room and noticed a person inside a cloud of thrift store sparkles vomiting like a fountain horrendously. Saix rushed over to them and patted them on the back. Once they had finished their organ rocketing, they exclaimed, "I CANNOT BELIEVE I WROTE SUCH FLUFFY CRAP!" Then, they continued their vomiting.

Saix slowly backed away.

###

The day quickly came for the raffle to take place. Everyone showed up…even Rabbi George across the street from the castle. Why he was even there no one knew. But, the festivity went on completely fine as everyone gathered to see who would win the wonderful prize.

However, because everyone really wanted it to be a celebration (Of what, don't ask me), they all pulled their weight and hired a carnival to come. This carnival was strange, but nevertheless, it pleased many of the members (mostly Demyx and Roxas).

There were all kind of games, such as Lucky Ducks and Bottles and even a Sand Bag game. A member with dreadlocks won every one of these games…but his prizes…were not very satisfactory. He decided to try one more game, so he sat down at a water horse race. He aimed the gun, seeing out of the corner of his eyes that Demyx had his sitar out. There was no telling what was going through his head at that moment.

He aimed steady and once the announcer said go and the gun went off (even though it was just a squirt gun), he was in the game. The target seemed easy to hit, but once you stared at it, it was like a shark, swirling and circling around in the water. He almost couldn't keep his gaze until…"RING! RING! RING! WE HAVE A BIIIIIIIG WINNER!"

He looked up and noticed everyone clapping for him, even the children that were kind of afraid of him. The game show type announcer came over to him and said, "Here you go big winner!" The dreadlock-laden man screamed, "NO! NOT ANOTHER CAREBEAR!" The announcer just smiled.

The winner eventually got up, wandering over to the end of the gaming platform and noticed a crying Demyx. He sat down beside him and said with a strangely curious voice. "Demyx? What's wrong?" The mohawked, unbelievably emotional person replied through sobs, "Oh…Xaldin! ... I kept…trying to win…some…of the games…but I never…was able to win any! You…always won them all!"

Xaldin looked behind him and then looked back at Demyx. "Um…Demy, did you ever consider that the fact that you didn't win was because you and your sitar blasted half of the gaming area fifty feet away?" Demyx looked up, face red and tears still streaming to see that he in fact, **had** blasted half of the gaming area fifty feet away.

His lip quivered again before he went back into sobs. Xaldin sighed and look at his pack. "Demyx…would you happen to want four hundred and seventy-nine Care Bear plushies?" Demyx shot up, "WOULD I?" Xaldin handed them over. "Here you go." Demyx looked happy again.

###

Meanwhile, a little while away, Marluxia was selling cotton candy. He looked down at a small child. "Well, Heeeeellooo, little child, would you like some cotton candy?" His smile was enough to even frighten a large rock. The child smiled back up and replied, "Well, Heeeeeeeeeellllloooooooo, to you Mr. Pedophile, would you like to buy some date rape drugs and/or twenty years in federal prison?"

Marluxia's grin dropped. "Um…I'm sorry, we're closed at the moment." He quickly pulled the shade down over the window. He turned around. "Now, we can talk…" A naked, restrained and duck taped Vexen was struggling inside a near complete cocoon of cotton candy which sat on a giant pink web. Marluxia smiled evilly.

###

Soon, the time for the raffle began and the Organization Members flocked to their arranged seats to see who would win. Everyone got there…even though some of them were rather late…especially Vexen who looked very, very angry and Marluxia who looked as though he had just been through a cactus field.

When everyone was seated, the announcer stood up (In his pinstripe suit not unlike those found in Mary Poppins) and spoke. "Now everyone, I would like to announce the proceedings. First of all, the Organization would like to thank everyone who contributed money to the charity. It now has enough proceeds to continue working for a long, long time."

Nearly everyone clapped, especially the members. However, the people in the audience still had no clue as to what the charity was. It was better this way. The speaker continued. "In any case, getting right down to business, we will draw from the raffle to see who wins the prize. However, if the person drawn is unable to claim the prize, then we will draw from the raffle again."

He gestured to his assistants as they drew up a purple curtain, revealing a large clear raffle barrel filled with several thousand slips of paper. Most people in the organization opened their mouths at this considering that not that many people from the organization could afford to add that many chances.

Axel looked around at the other members. He smirked and thought to himself as he noticed a blonde, bearded member, "HA! Luxord looks like one of those lotto ticket men who watch the TV with those dinners!" Axel leaned farther to see anyone else and then widened his eyes before he fell out of his chair.

Xigbar was dressed in extremely loud tropical colored clothes, was wearing owl-horned glasses over his eye patch and had his hair done up in a beehive. He was gripping a grid board and oversized markers with the determined eye of a murderer. Axel turned over as his soul attempted to escape, "XIGBAR HAS BECOME A BINGO LADY! HAHAHAHAH!"

No one seemed to notice any of this as the announcer began turning the raffle wheel. When it slowly spun to a stop, he reached in and fished out a piece of paper. He opened it slowly and read the name off, "The winner is…Zexion!" The gloomy, still slightly deaf person, wobbled up to the stage after being pushed by the brunette sitting beside him.

He reached up to get the winner's award, but the speaker held out his hand. "Wait, wait, wait...let me check something first…" The speaker brought out a large card board figurine of a clown that constituted as a height measurer. (This IS a carnival after all)

He set it beside Zexion who did not reach up to the correct level. The announcer patted the man on the head. "I'm sorry kiddo, but it says right here on the sign that you have to be this high to be Superior." He gestured to the clown's hand. Zexion looked so pissed off at that moment that a tall person came on stage and carried him off.

The announcer smiled at the audience again and spoke, "Well, let's try this again!" He started the turning and once again picked a name when it halted. He read it off as he had done before to create suspense. "The winner is…Rabbi George!"

The named, black dressed, and overly joyful Rabbi jumped on stage, shaking the hand of the announcer. The announcer in turn once again began questioning. "Wait…are you even IN the organization?" The Rabbi shook his head. The announcer smacked his face. "Go sit down please…" The Rabbi went and sat down.

The announcer seemed to be getting tired. The suspense must have been getting to him. "Okay. This is the last time. Whoever gets picked, gets picked." He cranked the handle of the barrel once more and waited as it eased to a finish. He reached in a grabbed a name from the multitude and unfolded it. "The winner is…Saix!"

The extremely shocked blue haired person marched up on stage and bowed in awe at the audience who clapped approvingly. He looked overly happy at having the opportunity of being **the** superior. Not many were sure as to why his eyes sparkled so. (Maybe he gets to top now, I don't know) But before Saix could claim his prize (or _prizes_ in this case), the announcer stopped once more.

He held his hand up, "Oh wait! Sorry! The slip actually says the person sitting NEXT to Saix!" A few moments after a heartbroken look leapt onto Saix's face, all eyes turned to a sparkly, glittery person sitting amongst a shiny cloud with a large bucket. The person instantly pounced on stage, snatching the certificate of Superiority, and looked at Saix with a grin, "Silly Saix, tricks are for kids!"

Saix then turned to the person, "Who ARE you?" The person smiled maliciously, "I am your worst nightmare!" And then in a woosh of the person's arm, they disappeared in a cloud of glitter. The now alone announcer frowned and bowed as well. "Well folks, there you have it! I hope you all have a great rest of the day!" He walked off stage.

Xemnas sat in the back looking traumatized. He had lost his place, his role, his honor. (And maybe more, hint, hint) "HOW?" he screamed. "HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? AFTER MAKING A HUNDRED THOUSAND DAMN SLIPS, HOW DID I LOSE?" It was unfortunate that every one of the present organization members were standing very close to him as he shouted this to the high heavens.

Marluxia looked around. "Anybody else in the mood for gang rape?" The carnival ended very quickly.

###

The next day everything was normal again. The carnival had disappeared and with it most of the frustrations of what had happened yesterday. Saix had appeared early that morning outside the gates, ruffled, frightened, and half naked, but nevertheless unharmed. He stuttered something about doujinshi when they first found him, but he was quickly and safely brought to Vexen to begin recovery.

Zexion was also brought to Vexen in an attempt to cure his near deafness. As deeply as Vexen wanted to just give the schemer an ear horn because it would have been funny, he knew that he had to do his job. He looked at the brunette that was always following the shorter man around. "Lexaeus, would you hold Zexion still?" The large man did as he was told. Vexen then karate-chopped Zexion in the head.

The stunned, wide eyed Zexion went limp in Lexaeus' arms. Vexen handed him a bottle of aspirin. "He's cured, but you're going to need these for the headaches he's going to cause when he wakes up." Lexaeus slowly nodded.

Little else seemed to change beside the poster disappearing and more talks over lunch in the Castle Cafeteria over what had actually happened to the winner's slip. Axel debated. "I guess it was just a whole big waste of time…all that money too…" Roxas nodded thoughtfully. "I wonder who that person was though…and what ever happened to that slip of-"

Demyx burst into the large eating area and rushed over the talking pair. "HEY! Look guys! This weird shiny person gave me this outside and told me I could keep it! Isn't it neat?" Axel and Roxas looked over in horror as Demyx held up a golden ticket emblazoned with the words, "Winner of Superior for a day."

The last words heard in the lunch room were, "Oh dear God no…"

###

New A/N: I wrote this a few months ago, but…yeah…it still remains as crazy as when I first wrote it. See everyone? Craziness doesn't age! Hee. This fic is just like: pairings, pairings everywhere, but not a drop to drink. Or, as I like to say, people, people everywhere, but not a drop to drink. ^_^

A/N: OH, this was funny. Well, the whole premise started when I was feeling depressed so I went to bake cinnamon rolls. I had this idea while I was waiting for my cinnamon rolls to bake, so this was a nice thought. I just had this rush through my head and I already knew that it would be CRACK…I didn't know it would be THIS CRACK though…

I say here and now that besides cheering me up, this entire fic was written for one reason: to introduce and/or produce images within your heads. I wanted everyone to get the pictures in their heads…I hope I succeeded. ^_^

But, yeah, I thought it was funny. And, as I have said many, many times before, when I write CRACK, it is simply the stuff that pops into my head in that moment. It's actually kind of strange when I write whatever comes to mind…and it just happens to be funny.

Okay, so I guess I should explain some things…first off for all those who already know that I know almost nothing about Kingdom Hearts, thank you for going easy on me. For those of you who did not know this, well yeah, it's the truth. I actually know nothing about the series at all. And, considering that this is CRACK, at least I have an excuse for EVERYONE being out of character. But, it's CRACK, so it's supposed to be funny.

I don't think I mentioned Larxene in this one…sorry Larxene… (Hands Larxene Bubble Gum) (Larxene takes Bubble Gum and blows bubble nonchalantly) (She replies, "It's okay, I'm used to it. At least I will have my revenge!" Acerbus frowns, "How?" Larxene retorts, "I will go around the world in 80 days with this gum! HAHAHHA!" Acerbus shakes head sadly, "Oh dear…I really don't know anything about this series…sorry readers…")

Yeah, there is no fourth wall here. Also, everyone should know who the person in the cloud of thrift store sparkles is by now. But, for those of you who don't know, it is Infernum's description of me that I use whenever I make appearances in my CRACK fics.

As to Xemnas with a megaphone…I kind of get an image of Xemnas as Ty Beddingfield from Extreme Makeover yelling at people…hee…Xemnas in a hard hat with ADHD is funny.

Hearts for Humanity is my own creation…and it really does need help, so you should donate some things to it if you ever see one around. ^_^

So far as I know, I believe I created the whole thought of Superior for a day. I may not have, but even if I didn't, then I KNOW I took it to different levels with this. Ha.

The only reason that I called Vexen an old lady is because of a Youtube video portraying Vexen's Japanese laugh…and I'm prone to agree with the poster, he does sound like a creepy old woman…

I like chickens. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? …ARE YOU LOOKING AT MA CHIKIN? …Ha…that's funny. I actually got that last line from a Gravi fic on here that I absolutely love to death and quote all the time, so if you wrote it, I love it.

The creation of the Castle Oblivion Official Bulletin Board is mine. But, I am most proud of my creation of the Castle Cafeteria, which I think is easily one of the funniest things I've ever thought up.

I'd vote for Roxas as Miss Nobody…wouldn't you?

OH NOES! ^_^ If you got that reference to the "Sexy Party" thing, then you know just how funny it is to think of that in Kingdom Hearts standards. For those of you who don't know, it is a Family Guy reference from when I used to watch the show.

The whole writing for the Cafeteria was actually bringing back all of my memories of elementary school, so I imagined all of that in the room…milk included. ^_^ yes, the Organization members have to eat on trays and drink out of miniature milk cartons…but if it's any consolation for all of you, Axel gets Chocolate Milk…so does Demyx…and Zexion gets Strawberry… ^_^ (Picture them drinking out of the cartons as you go to sleep tonight)

Yeah…no…staplers don't go there.

Once more I refer to Xemnas as a kindergarten girl…I think I'll continue doing so. Oh, that's funny…but I hallucinate sometimes too, so I know what he's been through.

Yes, now I want everyone reading this to imagine Saix with a moustache…a Full Metal Alchemist Armstrong Mustache…with the sparkles! …Yes, now you all know what randomly runs through my head after midnight.

I meant for Xemnas to be cute…I think I pulled it off if everyone uses their imaginations and doesn't use Chibi mode modifier too much…yeah…

Also, I probably would be vomiting…probably…stupid fluff…

Rabbi George is MY creation! I guess he's just a Rabbi…that for some reason lives across the street from the castle…I kind of got a picture of him singing, "If I were a Superior…" or something…also, I mean no offense to anyone Jewish. None at all.

The whole Xaldin and Demyx thing was like the cumulative creation of all of my memories of Dollywood, State Fairs, and cute things put together into one big adorable thing…except…I had funnel cake. (Hands Demyx funnel cake, who eats it) There!

It was cute though…right? Also, I actually mean for Demyx to be as old as he is in the game, not 6 years old like he is in most of the parody fan comics that I've seen…they're funny…but they're wrong. Of course, my CRACK OOC writing is wrong, but we're laughing at it right now, so there.

The whole Marluxia as a cotton candy seller…I don't know where in the hell that came from. I honestly don't…but yeah…it's mine too. The web of cotton candy thing…and the cocoon…um…I think I was having thoughts of some Inuyasha thing…but it became my own somehow…

But just for reference, if anything, I think the episode that I was thinking of was the one with Inuyasha turning into a demon and the actual demon was the moth thing that looked like Michael Jackson in human form. …Too much info? Yeah…stick with my imagination…

Ha…Luxord as a couch potato and Xigbar as a BINGO LADY! HAHAHHA! Yeah…I had a clear mental image of that too! It was from an episode of Rosanne. …Yeah…I'm weird…

Does anyone remember those, "You must be this tall to ride this ride" signs? That was basically one of them that Xemnas fixed. Poor Zexy…(Hands Zexy disco platform shoes. Zexy looks at Acerbus, "I hate you." Acerbus glomps Zexy as he walks away. "AW! COME BACK!" Zexy exits room. Acerbus mutters, "I'll get him later…")

Poor Rabbi…he did win at the dart game a few times though…and skeeball! ^_^

HEE. Now, who doesn't have pictures of Saix looking all shocked and happy? That's funny. Oh and the  
"Silly Saix, tricks are for kids" joke…who DOESN'T know where that came from? But, just for reference, it was the Trix yogurt commercial. Interestingly, the only reason that I used it was because I actually DESPERATELY wanted to use a joke from The Golden Girls. "Silly Rabbi, tricks are for kids." But, I wanted to be more original. (hahahah)

Yes…I refuse to tell any of you what I did to Saix. Mehheh. …However, if you ask nicely, I will let you borrow my sparkle cloud and kidnap him the next time you see him, alright?

And yes, Xemnas fixed (Or attempted to) the raffle. Ironic, eh?

And, also, I'll just let all of you imagine how the carnival ended. ^_^

Hee, 'cause Demy's got a golden ticket! He's got a golden chance to make the day! (Willy Wonka eat your heart out)

Ha, well, I guess everything else is self explanatory due to the pictures that everyone should have gotten in their heads. SO, I shall end these EXTREMELY long author's notes since I talk so much and let you all…yeah…do whatever you do.

REVIEW PLEASE!

LUVS!

P.S. Please know that not all of my Kingdom Hearts fics are CRACK! I've written serious (er) ones! And I have more planned! AND I am slowly learning more about the series! I LOVE YOU ALL!

…except you Xemnas…you stole my Pepsi…


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